The Ideal marriage version 2.1
An Ode to van de Velde and all the others whose books ended up on the banned list.

A lot has changed since 1929. The equality of women and men, at least in the west, which can certainly no longer be called Christian, now that the vast majority no longer attends church, has become a fact.

Divorce is more common than an exception, or something considered ‘not’ done.

In 1929 there wouldn’t have been many who could have seen others make love or sex. Now the internet is full of them and as a parent you are naive if you think you can stop your child from finding and viewing it.

The fuss of an Elvis shaking his hips can be considered laughably innocuous compared to the video clips the music industry broadcasts today. My pussy, my crack…..etc.

And yet people say that things never change….. Why do you say that…..? Do you want that? Are you blind? Or is it a way of not having to look?

In a positive sense, more people are free to choose their partner. And while many do too, the judgments and judgments of family and friends can’t be easy.
What to do with that girl? She doesn’t suit you? That will never work. …..

I experienced it myself.

Getting married, …… Of the parties I’ve been to, at least half have already divorced.

The ritual as it is often performed feels grossly outdated to me.

I am not married myself. A partnership, the same-sex marriage. … but this felt like something empty… for the law and the inheritance (to let as little as possible go to the tax authorities in case of death)

I do feel married though. In the sense that I share my life with a woman that I love, get excited about, find fascinating, and much more…. I felt this especially after the birth of our first child.  A child together… that created a bond, a responsibility and ‘blessing’ to be able to experience the miracle of life and love together.

As far as sexuality is concerned, in a large part of the world people are free to follow non-duality.
Even if that means that instead of the iron norm one throws off heterosexuality and goes through life with someone of the same sex. Although that is not yet the case in much of the world, it seems unlikely that it will go any other way than the free…..

To fall in love, not ‘to think in love’…

The oriental wisdoms, tantra, tao, …. offer a wonderful addition, and a deep insight into the energetic in the connection between two people. Especially during sex. Kundalini energy, being able to feel it and arouse it, make lovemaking into something much more than just dropping off your knickknacks, indulge your lusts..

Unfortunately, this knowledge and skill remains in very limited circles, because both the porn industry and science seem to have become obtuse to want to look at this. Traditional Chinese medicine, meridians, chakras… it is all still labeled nonsense.

One on pornhub, I can’t find a video I would like to show my kids as an example of healthy lovemaking. Like mom and dad do. …..

In short, as with many other topics, the worldwide hypocrisy and hypocrisy is extensive.

Not to mention the subject of prostitution. pedophilia….. Of the latter, some adults seemed to want to make it normal.

In short, there is a lot to add and to add in the update of this book. Both on the generic and the personal.

We have had an open, free relationship for several years now
Worked with, among other things, tantric knowledge
Consciously concerned with sexuality in the education of children
Very critical of the transgender story and the sick ‘information’ at school and in the media

See many people around us struggling with the relationship
Which has often degenerated into something empty, whether one admits it to oneself or not.

I’m not a writer, so I won’t make a book before publishing it.
If someone wants to publish the texts into a book, I’d love to…. I also find reading from paper much better than from a screen.

I am writing this from Hungary. Our new home. Not coincidentally because of a law passed by President Orban to protect children from the sickly “transgender” propaganda from the west.

Other resources I will be drawing from are:

Scott Peck’s “The Other Way”
Simone de Beauvoir – also put on the banned book list.
Isabelle Allende – …..
David Deida
…. and more.

Tips and tricks:
Nice music – M/sexwell

In order to better understand someone’s writings I have found it very helpful to get to know the author. In cases like Spinoza, and many others, it has helped me understand them and their writings. No one will deliver a final thought  on any subject. The context, the time and place some is living ins.. The childhood and what a person has been going through in life is in many ways more telling of his or her writings than those writings themselves.

I was born in a non-religious family.

Although as in most, sexuality was not talked about, there were only jokes made about the subject.

The only advice I got, was to use condoms.

I am not aware of any sexual abuse in the family, although it is likely there was.

We had an open door bathroom policy and together with my brother it was normal to see each-other naked

My parents hated closed doors, and so when the parents bedroom door was closed in the morning, at some point I figured out that that was because they were afraid we would otherwise hear them having sex. Which I never did.

We never went to a sauna or nudist beach/camping.

Jokes were sometimes made about prostitution with regard to the fact that my father was 16 when he started working  on a boat and for a few years sailed from Bordeaux to Casablanca, to South Africa, Australia and Southern Amerika.  I don’t think they were ever going to try and convince us, that during that time he just played with himself. Still no words, no stories, just a big smile. The rest we just had to guess.

What is sex

Sex can be many things. In Amsterdam you can walk in and ….. pay you will have to. To others it is something they will only do with one person in their life. Some people make a vow and never have nor will experience this exxential part of life.

There is a first time, and like the first child being born, there in no way to come close to making an imagination of how it feels. What the experience is like. Only after a while people will be able to find the joy and pleasure, the ‘skill’.

Then there are different layers. It can be a purely physical ‘dead’ and in some cases, even without being attracted or aroused by the physical appearance of the other person.

At best many ‘layers’ are participating.

There is attraction and arousal,  you find the person attractive and interesting, you might even be in love with the person.

Then being comfortable with your own body and skills, feeling a sense of security, also because you know how to say now and ‘ask’ for what you want will change the experience in a positive sense.

When being spiritually connected (will get back to this later, big topic) adds another level. When making love to the mother of your children, and knowing she finds you a great dad adds another level also the the sexual intercourse.

This does not mean that the latter is superior and that one should not do a quicky with someone you barely know. Who is to judge. But just the physical without other levels involved will not be satisfying in the long run.

In addition you will need to read about and feel, what the sexuality is doing to your energy. Some say the intercourse creates a connection on a spiritual level for years. Will write more about it in the chapter on sex and spirituality.

General Advice

You can only do a first time once.

Do not rush in the first phase of your sexual life. You can at a later stage, and probably should also experience that.

There are four bases, kissing, touching, oral and penetration. When young, never rush and move one base a day. Ben honest to yourself. When proceeding, make sure it is not, because you don’t want to disappoint the other person. Or because you are curious to the next phase. Be patine,t there will be a person and a time that feels right.

Do not be a hypocrite

Reciprocity is vital in an healthy sex life (in the long run)

The worst are men that do enjoy ejaculating in a woman’s mouth, but then find it gross to kiss her. So be a man, and if you enjoy someone else swallowing your cum, tast it yourself first. It’s full of healthy ingredients.
If you like fellatio as a man, make sure you learn to enjoy giving cunnilingus (liking her vagina and especially clitoris with your tongue). Make sure you like the smell. This is hard when a woman uses specific medication, which causes in some cases a very unpleasant smeel.

Do not fool yourself

Even if you have found someone you completely adore, it does not mean, your search engine is turned off. Some men share a fantasy that since they found the love of their life, they find no other woman attractive anymore.

Fantasy is strong and important. Just assume that at some point in a relationship while having sex with your partner, without any reason to doubt having the relationship, you are still attracted to the person, from a physical and non-physical perspective you might still fantasise about wanting to have sex with someone else.  And be sure to assume the other person will too.

Mijn hart dwaalde tussen de kleine valei…..  in het willen vasthouden is waar de lust sterft en de begeerte begint. Het willen hebben.

Ik kan M, die het voorleest niet bijhouden. Ze leest voor uit het boekvan Ton van der Kroon. Boek der Liefde. Het verborgen evangelie van Maria Magdalena.

‘Het goddelijk is mannelijk en vrouwelijk. Het mannelijke en vrouwelijke is het goddelijk. Laat niemand de ene hand nemen en de andere verguizen. Want de vrouw is in de man, zoals de man is in de vrouw. En de twee zullen 1 zijn. En uit hun midden zullen vele kinderen komen.

Naakt treed gij binnen zoals een kind naakt ter wereld komt. Werp uw schaamte van U af, en leg u kleren bij het vuur. Dans op de velden als vogels in de wind. Want de wind is hun meester, en laat het vliegen en dalen. Zij die meegaan met de wind, vinden het koninkrijk gods, want zij herkennen hun meester.

p. 119 Ton van der Kroon, Het boek der liefde.

 

“The divine is masculine and feminine. The masculine and feminine is the divine. Let no one take one hand and mislead the other. For the woman is in the man, as the man is in the woman. And the two will be one. And from their midst shall come many children.

Naked you enter, as a child is born naked. Cast off your shame, and lay down your clothes by the fire. Dance in the fields like birds in the wind. For the wind is their master, and makes them fly and fall. Those who go with the wind find the kingdom of God, for they recognise their master.

p. 119 Ton van der Kroon, The book of love. (translated with the help of Google translate)

Oral

Fellatio

Cunnilingus

When stimulating a vagina and especially the clitoris it is my experience that in most cases the tendency is to do it too hard. Most women will enjoy softer than soft.

When dry, make sure to use something to moisturise.

Do not go immediately to the clitoris. Work outside in and for some, the bottom of the vagina can be very arousing as well.

The tongue can be used in a pointy way and be relaxed and flattened, which gives a different kind of sensation.

At some point you can use one or two fingers and in addition to licking stimulate the g-spot.

Make sure you know how to keep going. Some women need time to get there. From time to time change pace and don’t be rough. Be gentle and only go rough, when she specifically asks for it.

In the beginning people are in love. This usually last about a year. The a relationship changes. A danger is that instead of still wanting to know the person better and wanting this person to be and become the best version of the self, a partner/loved one becomes demanding in what he/she is expecting this person to be. There is a thin line between, what is healthy of a person to expect in a relationship and what is not.

In past times this used to be a lot clearer, in the sense that there were well defined expectations of female and female ‘role’ within the relationship, within life, within society in general. It does not mean that that should be judged more positive or more negative. It just was.

Since these role patterns have been fading, there is much more room to manoeuvre, and thus also much  less secure ground to walk on, since anything is now debatable.

Some examples: Household, names of the children

 

How to stay in touch (non-physically)

There is a book about the best therapy homework assignments. There was one assignment in particular that caught my attention immediately. It was about couple that go into relationship therapy. A therapist started off with every couple with a homework assignment. He (or she, I will have to find out who the therapist was) asked the couple the following question: ‘Of the 24 hours in a day. How much time do you spend with each other, talking about each other.  That means, spending time without television, or children or …. just the two of you, and not talking about work, the news, the children, but about yourselves. How you are doing. What is on your minds, How you are feeling, ……etc. When you started off the relationship, when you were in love, you probably wanted to talk to each other, about each other the whole day. And now, how much time do you spend, together, and being curious still about each other. ‘

And although this does not need to be a daily routine. Creating space and time to spend quality time together, and not falling in the trap of talking about things that are being discussed all day long anyway, like the kids, the news, etc can be done in various ways. Just make sure you do it on a regular basis and als when one of the two feels there is a reason to. For instance when there is tension in the air. Create space to share and listen to each other.

And Physically

Something that helped us reignite, when things were going slower than we wished for was a book. I believe it is called the Tao of Sex. I tried to find it a few years ago, but I seems to be hard to come by.

As in the van de Velde book on marriage, both man and woman have a ‘duty’ to keep the fire going.  It is something that both ‘sides’  benefit from. This also means that both should be curious about what the other enjoys, fantasises about  …..

Some exercises that helped us:

Share in detail you first sexual experience (that is assuming that the current partner is not the same)

One person gives the other a massage and anything else that this person pleases, but there is pleasing in return. For one night it is a one way street.  Agree  on a second night at least a few days later, to return the favour.

Masturbate in front of your partner. This can be explicit or the partner can be a voyeur and watch without being noticed. (although for some couples this might be normal practice, I have noticed that masturbating in the presence of a partner is  not, even talking about the subject is not)

Share with each other, whom, as in for instance, which ‘famous person’, you would like to spend a night with.

An open relationship is like many things, not a road everyone should walk.

Because of our nature and the power of sexual energy, and as some say ‘variety / alternation is a basic necessity of life’.  But be warned, being bored in the relationship and thus looking for something else will not be solved by opening up the relationship. That motive is more likely to bring the relationship closer to a separation, and end, then anyhting positive.

So in order to have a open relationship it is crucial that the relationship is very healthy. To give you and idea, when the relationship is good, and there is more then attraction, sex and …. the fear of someone meeting someone else and connecting with that person leading to losing someone, because that person might be more interesting that you will only be smaller when the relationship is good and healthy. Although at times I have known jealousy I rarely doubted ‘us’. Especially when M and I had children. There was som much more, so much connection, I just did not see it happen. She knew what we ‘had’ and what she would throw away, so to speak.

Today is  10-10-2021, I shared the story about how we got to the point of opening the relationship. in all honesty on Twitter. On de the first date I told M I stopped believing in monogamy. Later I told her, that I would not expect it from her, but was not interested in knowing. So, if, then in secret. It is what I did, but when an affair was on the front pages of a newspaper, that was possible no more. And to be honest, she already knew. When I later asked her, if she ever was tempted. She told me she was, on a beach in Venezuela. She didn’t. Then I asked, what if you would have? You would have may had a great experience,. You would have returned and then what? What would it have changed? Would you have left me? She immediately understood.

Isabelle Allende describes the same in an opening sentence in one of her books.

Is it easy? No

Is it without pain? No

Guidance:

I personally would advice not to go that route in the first three years of a relationship

Men, please be aware that during pregnancy a woman’s hormones change in a way, she is programmed to be ‘jealous’. An time of utmost fragility. During that period and right after birth is the time where a woman needs a man te bo there and can not afford to be left alone. although that might be different now, nature does not change that fast.  At the same time, it is a periond in which many women do not want or are not capable physically of having sex, and thus the urge to find that somewhere else might be strong.

So make sure, the relationship is longer than 3 years, in good shape and you are well connected.

Consider starting off with some rules. An open relationship can be very different for people. Some couples like to things, like going to clubs or partner exchange together, others want to go out on adventure by themselves.

Things to talk about are:

• keeping the bed you sleep in clean from others. Agree to find other places.
• term limits to prevent an adventure turning into a second relationship, a second life.
• make space and time to talk about it…..
• exclude people you knew like friends and family
• …